Learning to love myself

​From a young age we are taught, directly and indirectly, that we cannot love someone unless we love ourselves first and that having low self worth will make it hard for us to be loved. Well I am here to tell you that this is bullshit. If someone truly loves you, they will help build you up and they will help show you your worth. They are going to love you even if you don’t love yourself in a hope that they can show you how much love you deserve. I can confidently say this because it’s what has happend me. 
Growing up I hated being in my own skin. I had no confidence and my favorite clothing items were ones that were two sizes too big, making sure that no one ever saw my shape or my curves or my fat. I thought if I could “hide” the imperfections people wouldn’t notice them and that maybe I could be liked more or even loved. I guess you could say this all stemed from one boy saying I looked “pregnant” in the second grade and another boy telling me I “wasn’t pretty enough to date” in the fifth grade. Two comments, over 10 years ago, are what turned me into a scared girl who was afraid of never being loved because I was too ‘unsightly’.

I went through horrible depression, self-hatred, and even a stint of never wanting to eat. I thought that I didn’t deserve food because I was overweight and because ‘fat people shouldn’t be given the satisfaction of a full stomach’. Luckily, I learned the absurdity of this before things became out of control.

Along with the outer struggles I felt, I also had mental health problems I wasn’t sure how to deal with. These took form in OCD and anxiety. And with anxiety it took the feelings of fear and paranoia over my outer looks to a whole new level. I didn’t see a point in trying to look good because I was scared of trying to “be pretty” and still being the “fat, ugly” girl.

These feelings went on until I was around 18 and I decided that I could be beautiful the way I was and it was my decision, no one else’s. However this was very short lived because I ended up dating someone whom always believed other girls were “prettier” or “more attractive” and whose favorite hobby was cheating.

So all of the self progress I had made didn’t even matter because everything I already previously believed was being proven. I loved myself and I still wasn’t good enough. So I stopped. I stopped seeing myself as pretty and I stopped believing that I could be loved.

That is until I met him. Yeah I know. That’s so cliché, but it’s true. I met a guy who loved me despite all of my flaws. Despite the fact I have to be reminded that he loves me. And that I need to be told more than most that I’m not a horrendous monster. I found someone who can tell me that I am perfect and with every breath I use to say something negative, he will use to say twice as many positives. He has taught me that I am beautiful, I am worth love, and that I deserve more than I have ever given myself. And because of his love for me, I can confidently say that I now love myself.

So do not say that someone will never be loved because they don’t love themselves. When the right one comes, they will love you and help you grow in ways you may not have been able to before.


2 thoughts on “Learning to love myself

  1. You’re a great write Rhandi! I’m so glad you opened yourself up like this. It does help, I’ve done it myself. I’m very happy for you and the new love you’ve found. You definitely deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

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