Two Hundred and Seventy Two. That is how many Facebook friends I have. However, when I turn my computer off, the number diminishes to three; my boyfriend, my best friend, and of course my mom. That’s a pretty big difference. Now, I’m not saying those other 269 people don’t mean anything to me, because they do and I would love to hang out with any of them in the real world. However, I am not good at having real friends.
I will 100% admit that I am an awful friend. I will ignore your texts, sometimes I will screen your calls and when you say something dumb or ignorant I will be the first one to knock you right off your high horse. I am petty, I don’t take drama lightly and if you steal one of my fries you will get the silent treatment. So no, I’m not the best friend, but I can promise you I am worth it.
Now, I didn’t always think of myself as a bad friend, but for the past three years that has seemed to be my label. In high school I lost all but one friend because I was “controlling”, “bossy”, and “close-minded”. Then my sophomore year of college I lost one of my best friends because I was too “saint-like”. This friend however was not the last to mention my perfection to me. I recently lost yet another friend due to my being “perfect” all of the time.
I will agree with about anything people call me. I can be mean, I can be petty, I can be controlling and bossy. And I guess due to my religious views you could also call me ‘politically closed-minded’, even though I would never force my beliefs on someone else. However, I do not, by any definition of the word agree with myself being perfect.
The dictionary defines perfect as “having no mistakes or flaws”. Using this definition, I can assure you, I am as flawed as they come. If you need examples, please see the above paragraph or previous blog posts. If this still is not enough evidence of my imperfections, please email, message, or call me.
I am by no means perfect.
Sadly though, if you don’t drink every weekend, sleep with every guy you meet, and you become upset at your ‘friend’ for still being close with the first guy who actually destroyed your heart…you must be perfect. It becomes this idea that you never make mistakes and that you must be perfect for not making or joining in on the same mistakes as others. You are marked as perfect for trying to be more than your past and for learning from past faults. You cannot win.
Now, being a bad friend really isn’t as bad as it sounds. Sure, a lot of people leave, and maybe you don’t get the best reputation; but what you do get is so much more. Due to my being a bad friend I have found those who truly care about me and love me. I have found my own self respect and self appreciation for knowing my limits and learning what is best for me and my future goals. And frankly I have learned that I don’t need to put up with people’s shit because I am my own perfectly, imperfect person.
So to the boys and girls who couldn’t handle this bad friend, thank you. You have showed me so much about myself that I wouldn’t have found without you. My strength to stand up for my own ideas and feelings. The beauty in sobriety. And most of all the passion I have for life.