Totality.

If you have never experienced a Total Eclipse, I want you to imagine this.. 

You are sitting outside and its 94 degrees. The sun is shinning at such a brightness that you have to wear special glasses, your sunglasses just are not enough. As the clock ticks by you begin to see a shadow slowly swallowing the sun, little by little. 

In the last seconds before complete totality the ground turns into a kaleidoscope of shadows. Little snakes dancing to a tune we can not hear. The bright afternoon sky turns to Twilight and then before you can blink the sun is hidden; showing a slight ring of light that can only be described as transcending.

The temperature drops from a summer afternoon heat to a brisk fall evening. The birds begin to fly and sing songs of nightfall. There is a view of the sunset on all horizons.

Then it all goes still. The excitement and emotions begin to flood you. The angry world becomes a calm and peaceful fairytale. You are frozen with the love the moon and the sun have for one another. 

Then in a matter of minutes it’s over. The sun begins to shine again and the temperature spikes back to normal. The moments of tranquility are gone and you are filled with a sense of magic. Nothing will ever feel this serene again. 

Now come back to reality and know that God’s gift to a world of such chaos and immorality is moments. He gives us these moments of beauty and ardent emotion to bring us back to peace. Moments to thank Him and show love to one another while connecting with the Earth around us. 

Photo Cred: CLN Photography

An award about sunshine!? 

So this is new. Today I was nominated for the Sunshine Blogger award! This is basically an award by bloggers for bloggers representing the values of positivity and inspirationaly uplifiting content! 

I was nominated by Paige of  theanxiousphotog.blog! Paige is an amazing person who captures life through a camera and the struggles of living with anxiety through her blog. I linked her page above if you want to check it out! 

When accepting this nomonation you must answer 11 questions asked by your nominator and in turn nomimate another blogger with your own set of questions. I personally am not in contact with any other bloggers, besides Paige, so if you are a blogger I nominate you, because someone somewhere, looks up to your posts. 

My Responses:

1. How long have you been blogging?

I started this blog a year ago. However, I started journaling as soon as I learned how to write. 

2. What made you start blogging?

I started bloggong because I realized that I have a story to tell that is uniquely my own. Not a single person has had the exact same life experiences as I have. With that, I have also shared some experiences that others have been through and want them to know that life gets better and how I, personally, learned to grow from it. 

3. What is your favorite topic/category to blog about?

Easy, life. 

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

My favorite song has been, and always will be, Come on Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners. However, The Middle by JimmyEatWorld and Just Keep Breathing by We The Kings tie for a second favorite.

5. What other hobbies do you have?

Everything. I love doing everything at least once. I also really love watching TV though. 

6. Who inspires you most in life?

My biggest inspiration is Dave Pelzer, author of A Child Called ‘It’. I read his book when I was 13 and have read it about 100 times since then. It helps me grasp the concept of living life, as morbid as that may sound. If Dave was able to go through all of that torment and turn out to be an amazing man, what’s stopping me? 

7. What is your favorite weekend activity?

Hanging out with my husband and going on adventures. 

8. What is your favorite T.V. show?

100% Gilmore girls. Just call me Lorelei!

9. Where do you want to go at least once in your life?

Everywhere I can. I want to witness as many places, people, and cultures as possible before I die. 

10. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

More like a mid afternoon zombie. 

11. What blog post would you like to share with everyone

Out of the blog posts I have written I have two that are my favorites. My first is “Wait, You’re Deaf” and my second is “Married at 21”. So if you haven’t checked those out yet, you should ❤

So if you’re a blogger and you’re reading this, I nominate YOU. Here’s your questions:

1. Have you always loved to write?

2. What do you think your patronus would be and why?

3. What do you hope to accomplish through your blog?

4. What is your number one goal in life? 

5. What is your favorite movie?

6. If you had to give up chocolate or hard candy which would say “bye-bye” to?

7. Books or Movies?

8. Who is your favorite author?

9. If you could meet one celebrity who would you meet?

10. Dogs or cats?

11. If you could switch lives with one person who would you pick? 

Married at 21

No, I am not missing out on any experiences. 

I met him when I was 19 and married him when I was 21.

In the 19 years before I met him, I had a year of college under my belt, became a miniature alcholic, and I had two major heart breaks. I watched a sunset and sunrise within the same night. I danced in a fountain at two in the morning, after spending the day playing in the rain. I went to a church with no doctrine and I went to a church of the faith I always followed. I attempted to go to a French themed party, I say attempted because the cops arrived before I did. I went to a music festival. I wrote a poem. I put my heart on my sleeve, then returned it back safely to my chest. I built walls. I got lost. 

I spent 19 years not knowing who I was, or what I wanted. However, when I met him, I still had no idea who I was or what I wanted, but I knew I wanted to be it and to find it with him. 

He showed me that my “friends” only liked me when I was following their rules. 

He stayed with me when I did not even know how to stay with myself. 

I married my best friend at 21. We have game nights and movie marathons. We bake cupcakes and make gingerbread houses. We build puzzles and fight over that damned ‘Draw Four’ Uno card. He makes the nightmares go away and he understands that some days the darkness seeps in. 

We got married young so we could enjoy the rest of life together. So no, I am not missing out on life. I’m just bringing a permanent plus one. 

Wait, You’re Deaf!? 

So here’s the thing, let’s talk about something that is never talked about.. developing a disability. In our lives we talk about people who are born with disabilities and we talk about people who have obtained a disability through an accident; however, we never talk about people who have developed a disability due to an underlying condition. We don’t talk about what it’s like to slowly lose an ability you never thought you’d lose. So let’s talk about Otosclerosis. 

Otosclerosis is a genetic condition that causes the inner ear bones to slowly freeze over time, meaning they can no longer amplify sound by themselves. Thus, causing the effected person to require hearing aids in their day to day lives. 

Now, this doesn’t sound that bad, as long you have a hearing aid, you can hear. What’s bad is the process of losing your hearing before and after the diagnosis. Here’s my story:

When I was in highschool I had no idea that I had a “disability”, I thought my ears worked just like everyone else’s. I also thought that my left earphone was always broken. I would buy a new set of earphones about every two weeks because I thought the left one was faulty. It made no sense to me. Then one day I was sitting with my parents, complaining about the inconvience when they suggest I put the left, broken, earphone in my right ear.. It worked perfectly. That was when we decided to get my first hearing test. 

That first test gave us little results, they basically said that I could benefit from hearing aids, but it was not a necessity, so obviously I passed. I didn’t want to be labeled as a weirdo with hearing aids in highschool, it wasn’t fair. 

However, fast forward a few years and the word “what” becoming a staple in my vocabulary, I decided I needed to be checked again.. this time the results were different.

This test told us that my left ear was severely impaired and my right ear had mild impairment. After running a few more tests it was decided that I had Otosclerosis and would most likely be deaf by the time I was 24. So I had to make a decision. Be the college kid with hearing aids, or never hear again. As you can assume, I chose the hearing aids. 

Now, it’s amazing because I can hear all of these sounds I didn’t know existed before! Did you know that a blinker makes a noise? Or that when writing with a pencil you can hear the way it scrapes on the paper? Zipping up a bookbag actually makes a sound! The TV on volume 40 is actually really loud… and so many more things I hadn’t known or had forgotten. 

While there is this amazing upside to hearing aids there is also a few downfalls. When I take them out, I lose a majority of sounds. Talking on the phone is extremely difficult. If my hearing aid gets to close to something it gives an awful feedback. Also, insurance does not cover them.

According to the insurance companies hearing aids are not a need. You can live without them. My glasses are covered under insurance, but hearing aids that allow me to communicate and live a normal life are not. How is that allowed? How is it not a necessity? Without my hearing aids I don’t know where I would be. I wouldn’t have the job I have, I would not have the life I have, nothing would be the same. 

So long story short, sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes you lose an ability and sometimes insurance doesn’t cover it. However, I have become not only a much stronger person, but also a more understanding person. I no longer pitty people with hearing aids and I no longer see it as weird. I am a 21 year old with hearing aids. Why should that be weird? I mean I’m also a 21 year old with glasses. It’s the exact same thing. Both just enhance the quality of life. 

Back to the original statement of opening dialog and talking about what’s not talked about, I beg you, ask questions, seek answers, and never pitty. Losing an ability is hard, but overcoming the challenge is everything. 

Saying Goodbye.

Around six months ago, my grandpa died. I never really talked about it because it hurt too bad. We weren’t close in the traditional sense, but he bought me Mac’n’cheese and payed for my first set of hearing aids. He also sent me a birthday card every year and it was one thing I could always be 100% sure of. 

So when we found him it was the worst day of my life. 

When we found my grandpa on the bathroom floor, we panicked. He was still alive and conscious so we called 911 and stayed with him. 

Because I am first aid certified I looked after him and made him talk to me until first responders arrived. 

His body was swollen and you could tell he had been there for a while. 

However, he let me hold his hand and he told me how he had been robbed and beaten. This did not happen though, his mind was slipping due to lack of oxygen and he had begun accepting a fantasy. 

When EMS finally arrived and put him on the stretcher, I didn’t recognize him. He was weak, swollen and had sores on his face from laying still too long. 

He made it to the hospital and was in ICU for a little over a week. I don’t think he ever fully regained his memory, but he knew who his family was and he told me he loved me. 

When my grandpa died I was at work. 

I met my family at the hospital where we stood in a room with his body. I cried, a lot. I said goodbye. I left. 

Death comes at its own pace and its own time. My grandpa lived a week longer than he should of. We were given a chance to say goodbye and I am so thankful for that. 

There are still some nights though, like tonight, that I’m haunted by the image of him on the floor and in the gurney and it’s hard. 

But then I remember the fact that I was able to spend every Sunday with him and he lived a long life. 

My grandpa and I were not close in the traditional sense, but he was still a big piece of my world. 

It’s been awhile…

Im going to be honest. I started to hate blogging. I recieved a very rude tweet a while ago about my blog and it hurt me. This tweet was from a previous best friend and was then retweeted by another previous best friend. They belittled this blog into nothing. 

However, four months later I now realize I was being dramatic and the views of a few bitter people mean nothing to me. So maybe my blog is poorly written. Maybe my ideas and views are old school. Maybe I actually suck at everything. You know what though, I don’t care. I have a story to tell and I am going to tell it. I have experienced things that no one else has ever experienced. 

And I now realize the only difference between me and the people who crushed me is I post my words in a useless blog, while they post theirs in useless tweets. Everything we say is useless or poorly written to some. But to others, it could be just the connection they were looking for. 

So long story short, I’m back and will probably be posting frequently as I have so many new things to share. 

Thank you for supporting my poorly written blog ❤ 

New Year, Same Me

Every year I make a list of things I’m going to change about myself. I put things like ‘weight loss’, ‘exercise more’, ‘save money’, ‘don’t eat out’, ‘no dark soda'(this is the only one I’ve ever accomplished), and of course ‘be a better person’. But why? Why is it when the clock strikes 12 we have the urge to change our lives and turn into completely different people? On December 31st all we think about are the the things we didn’t accomplish. However, what about the things we did accomplish? 

Sure, I didn’t lose weight, I eat out way too much (taco bell, you’ve got my heart!), I’m ending the year with less money than I started with and being a better person is highly debatable. 

What I did do though is I grew closer to God, made important education decisions that will help me reach my goals, visited Colorado, voted in my first presidential election, found a job I love, got engaged to the love of my life, and filled my life with positivity while expelling the negative people. 

My year wasn’t great, I lost my grandfather and many friends who I thought I’d have forever, but when I look back at the amazing things that have happened to me I can’t help but be greatful. 

So 2017, you’re in God’s hands. I just ask that next year is as productive as this one, all negative space is filled with love and positivity and that as a nation we can come together instead of falling more apart. Amen. 

Happy New Year Everyone! ❤