New Year, Same Me

Every year I make a list of things I’m going to change about myself. I put things like ‘weight loss’, ‘exercise more’, ‘save money’, ‘don’t eat out’, ‘no dark soda'(this is the only one I’ve ever accomplished), and of course ‘be a better person’. But why? Why is it when the clock strikes 12 we have the urge to change our lives and turn into completely different people? On December 31st all we think about are the the things we didn’t accomplish. However, what about the things we did accomplish? 

Sure, I didn’t lose weight, I eat out way too much (taco bell, you’ve got my heart!), I’m ending the year with less money than I started with and being a better person is highly debatable. 

What I did do though is I grew closer to God, made important education decisions that will help me reach my goals, visited Colorado, voted in my first presidential election, found a job I love, got engaged to the love of my life, and filled my life with positivity while expelling the negative people. 

My year wasn’t great, I lost my grandfather and many friends who I thought I’d have forever, but when I look back at the amazing things that have happened to me I can’t help but be greatful. 

So 2017, you’re in God’s hands. I just ask that next year is as productive as this one, all negative space is filled with love and positivity and that as a nation we can come together instead of falling more apart. Amen. 

Happy New Year Everyone! ❤ 

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Why I waited 

“Everyone’s doing it”.. that’s what I was always told. Everyone was doing it and hell, even my college roommate was doing it.. right under our bunked beds I may add. It’s not like I didn’t have opportunities or relationships that it could have easily happend with. I even put myself in situations where saying “No” was a tough decision, in full disclosure alcohol was normally involved. However, I waited. 

I did not wait for reasons most people think though. I didn’t wait for religious reasons. I didn’t wait because my parents told me it was the right thing to do. I waited because I wanted to. I wanted to wait until I met the one guy who knew me better than I knew myself. The guy who loved me for my physical and mental imperfections. The guy who no matter what would hold my hand and help me through life’s toughest moments. So I waited, until I met him. 

I didn’t wait until I was married or until I was engaged but I did wait until I was in love and with the person I wanted to spend forever with. 

Now the reason I’m telling you all this is because today it is so common for girls to have sex, not because they are in love, but because they think they should. Their best friend is doing it, TV shows are encouraging it, we have terms like “f*ck buddies” and one night stands are ‘cool’. Sex is no longer special. Sex is just a hobby. We are encouraging girls to embrace their bodies and their sexuality all while ignoring their mental health. We don’t tell them that sex won’t make him love you and we don’t inform them that it’s more than just a physical game. It’s a connection, it’s a feeling, and it’s not something that needs to be given to everyone who smiles at you. 

So embrace yourself. Love yourself. Remember your worth. And do what is right for you not for everyone else. 

How to be a Christian in College

Let’s be honest, being a Christian in a world such as ours is not the easiest thing to accomplish; people will degrade you, offend you, and make you question everything you believe. So what’s harder than being a devote Christian? The answer: being a devote Christian in college. 

I grew up in a Lutheran Church. Twenty years of my life have been devoted to early Sunday services, participating in and teaching Sunday school, church get-togethers, praying before meals, before bed, and well really just praying at all points of the day, and being asked ‘why I believe in God and His teachings’. Now, normally I love this question. It gives me an opportunity to tell people who I am and what I believe, along with sharing God’s word and love. However, what I don’t love is when these questions turn into judgement and anger.

 It is unfair for Christians to feel obligated to forfeit or hide their beliefs in order to feel accepted in this current society. 

As a twenty year old Christian in college I have made my decision to follow God and his word despite what other may think or say. So here are my unprofessional and unsolicited tips to being a Christian in college. 

1. Do not confuse earthly happiness with spiritual happiness. 

2. Make friends with like minded individuals, talk about your faith, and talk about the struggles and judgement you feel from those around you

3. Make friends with individuals who do not share the same views as you. Talk to them about your faith. Let them tell you what they do and do not believe. Keep the environment calm and listen to eachother. Let them know not all Christians are the same as the ones seen in the media

4. Fall in love with someone who loves Jesus. Help one another grow in faith. Not only will it strengthen your relationship with God, but it will also strengthen your relationship with your significant other. “Couples that pray togther, stay together”

5. Talk to your parents or someone you can trust. Whether they share the same beliefs as you or not, they love you. And if you are struggling they will help you find your footing. 

6. Read the Book. Whether you read the Bible cover to cover, or you’re like me and just have a Pinterest board filled with versus, read it. Absorb the word, find meaning in it, and trust what it says. God knows what he’s talking about. 

7. Pray. I cannot promise instant results, but I can promise a feeling of ease. Know that God loves you and is always listening, even if it feels like He’s not. 

8. Be open. Do not hide your beliefs for fear of judgement. We love God because he first loved us. Embrace that

9. Find a church or community to worship with. This can be a small group, campus ministry, local church, or those friends you made thanks to tip two

10. Understand that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone sins. Everyone questions their faith. Believe that God loves you and that he is with you and that unlike your earthly people, He will never leave your side, nor lose faith in you. 

Walk by faith, not by sight” 

-2 Corinthians 5:7

The UnCollege Experience

College. Studying. Papers. Work. Family. Friends. Relationships. Laundry day.

It’s a lot to handle and frankly I wasn’t as prepared for it as I thought I was.

Freshman Year 2014-2015: I had everything figured out. I knew how much I could drink and how late I could stay up without feeling terrible the next day. I knew how many classes I could skip before it would start impacting my grades. I even knew that as long as I pretended everything was okay, it was. That was until I found out my first college relationship was built on deception. Then everything came into light. I realized I had actually nothing figured out and if I kept going at the pace I was going I would actually self-destruct; and that was not me.

Sophomore Year 2015-2016: After the travesty that was my freshman year, it became apparent that I needed some time off. I needed a break from University and some time to find myself. So, I left all of my friends and the bad decisions, moved back home and enrolled in community college. That decision was the best decision I ever made. Obviously I missed my freedom and friends, but living at home, driving to class, and having a job gave me the exact structure I needed. Not to mention during this semester “break” I found the ‘perfect man’. You know, the guy who understands and supports you in everything. The guy who the second after you meet them you know you will never be able to not know them. The guy who 11 months after meeting and 10 months of dating I am still, unfathomably in love with.

Fall semester didn’t last long though and I made the decision to transfer back to university and with the support of my family and boyfriend, I knew it would be better the second time around. I was wrong. Apparently I am one of those beautiful humans that only thrive with structure and without it I turn into a slimy ball of depression.

Junior Year 2016: So far it is only four weeks into my Junior year at university and honestly I am not sure what to think. I have my friends back, I have an organization system, I’m in bed by 11pm every night, and I’m still rocking this whole distance thing with my boyfriend. However, driving home every weekend to work endless night shifts is more tolling than I thought. Not only does it throw off my sleep schedule, but it is also just plain exhausting. Between work, classes, homework, laundry, and socializing, along with keeping in contact with those farther away, it all seems impossible when you look at it as a whole. However, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

I am currently working at a job that is going to enhance my future career goals an exponential amount. I am taking classes that are preparing me for this future career I dream so fondly about. Not being around the people I love everyday makes the hours we have together that much more enjoyable. And, I am also growing closer to God and growing stronger in my faith, because without Him, there is absolutely no way I would still be functioning. He has blessed me with patience and a generally positive outlook, along with giving me not only a family that always supports me and loves me, but also someone who chooses to love me no matter how much we both seem to be struggling.

It’s easy to think you have everything together. It’s easy to pretend life is great and you are having the ‘perfect college experience’, but to be honest I would rather struggle everyday while at university and have an amazing adult life, than party every weekend and secretly hate myself.

I still have a lot of growing to do, I have many lessons to learn, and I may cry a lot now, but one day it will all be worth it.

Stay Cool and Stay Smart. May you reach all of your goals and fight your own demons. Much Love ❤

What is Happening? 

People suck. 

Yep, that’s about all I have to say today.. okay, that’s not true, everyone who knows me knows I have an opinion about everything. So grab your popcorn, put on some music and here we go. 

Today’s blog is going to be broken up into two parts: current events and things that really just piss me off. Why? Because sometimes you just need to get your opinion out there and what better place to do it than a public forum?

Current Events:

Okay, so I don’t follow the news, or presidential debates or anything like that. But I have noticed an increase in racism and ignorance on my social media feeds (this also includes headlines such as recent shootings and killings). Now again, I don’t follow these stories but they all seem to have two common factors. White and Black. 

Now, we all grew up learning about MLK and his dream for the world to be together and united as one, regardless of color. And to be honest, I thought we were close to achieving that. Until recent events that are seeming to tear us apart even more than the memories of our ancestors sins. 

“White cop kills black man”, “Black man kills white cop”, “White cops murdered during protest” do you see what’s wrong with this? I mean of course other than killings going on and people, innocent or not, dying. I’m talking about the descriptors. The words being used to define these headlines are “black” and “white”. They aren’t ‘cop kills man’ or ‘man kills cop’. Why? Because no one is going to read that. Yeah, it’s still horrible, but no one is going to get up in arms about it. No one is going to scream racism. No one is going to pay attention. However, when you throw in color descriptors it becomes so much more. 

It becomes this thing that we can fight about, something we can focus on besides the fact that one of our presidential runners is a criminal and college tuition is outrageous and that there are millions of children on the streets, all over the world, starving to death. 

It incites racism and brings up feelings of hate that have been silent for years. 

Now I am in no way saying racism doesn’t exist, because it does. I am saying though that I don’t think it’s as big of a deal as people are making it. Not everyone will always get along. There will always be hate on both sides of the spectrum. However, the only way we can even begin to fix this is by not encouraging the use of color in our headlines. To try and remember that violence solves absolutely nothing. And to realize that racism is only acknowledged when something bigger is happening. (Refer to the fact that one of our presidential runners is an actual criminal who does illegal things). 

So please, stop the hate and  the violence, and let’s find the love and peace that we were taught about as children. People are people, no matter what. 

Things That Really Just Piss Me Off:

Bullies. A bully is anyone who physically, emotionally, or sexually assaults someone. All three are extremely horrible and to be honest if you are a bully in any way, shape, or form, you should probably just stop. But today I’m going to focus on emotional Bullies.

An emotional bully is someone who I consider to have extremely low self worth. They take their own insecurities and blast them out onto other people. They can do this by making fun of their weight, financial status, how they speak, their intelligence levels, and/or anything else they can find that the other person may feel insecure about. Their main goal however is to try and make the other person feel lower than they do. 

If you feel like everyone is better than you I can promise they aren’t. That is until you become a Bully, once you start making fun of others it puts you on a level that is extremely hard to come back from. 

Everyone has their issues and everyone feels insecure, but calling someone fat, isn’t going to make you any bulkier and making fun of someone’s financial status will not make you richer. If you really want to make a difference embrace everything. Embrace everything you think is a fault and love everyone for their faults. Because faults make us unique. And uniqueness is an amazing quality. 

Now, aside from Bullies another thing I cannot stand is lying and breaking trust. 

Trust is such an important thing to have. It is what our country, relationships and friendships should be built upon. Although, in a time where it’s ‘cool’ to be self centered it becomes a bit tricky to remember that. 

When someone tells you something that they need kept a secret and you tell it anyway that is breaking their trust. That is telling someone that their wishes mean absolutely nothing to you. It is taking someone who trusted you, and proving to them that no one can be trusted. And it’s heart breaking. 

Lastly, filling out student loans.

I know this last one pertains to absolutely nothing, but I had to do that today and it just is so time consuming and it tests my patience.

 CONGRATULATIONS! YOU MADE IT TO THE END OF MY RANTINGS! As a prize, you get absolutely nothing but the acceptance that you had nothing better to do than read my opinions on stuff! So thanks for coming and I hope to see you soon! 

Stay safe, spread love, God bless ❤ 

The Perfectly Bad Friend

Two Hundred and Seventy Two. That is how many Facebook friends I have. However, when I turn my computer off, the number diminishes to three; my boyfriend, my best friend, and of course my mom. That’s a pretty big difference. Now, I’m not saying those other 269 people don’t mean anything to me, because they do and I would love to hang out with any of them in the real world. However, I am not good at having real friends.

I will 100% admit that I am an awful friend. I will ignore your texts, sometimes I will screen your calls and when you say something dumb or ignorant I will be the first one to knock you right off your high horse. I am petty, I don’t take drama lightly and if you steal one of my fries you  will get the silent treatment.  So no, I’m not the best friend, but I can promise you I am worth it.

Now, I didn’t always think of myself as a bad friend, but for the past three years that has seemed to be my label. In high school I lost all but one friend because I was “controlling”, “bossy”, and “close-minded”. Then my sophomore year of college I lost one of my best friends because I was too “saint-like”. This friend however was not the last to mention my perfection to me. I recently lost yet another friend due to my being “perfect” all of the time.

I will agree with about anything people call me. I can be mean, I can be petty, I can be controlling and bossy. And I guess due to my religious views you could also call me ‘politically closed-minded’, even though I would never force my beliefs on someone else. However, I do not, by any definition of the word agree with myself being perfect.

The dictionary defines perfect as “having no mistakes or flaws”. Using this definition, I can assure you, I am as flawed as they come. If you need examples, please see the above paragraph or previous blog posts. If this still is not enough evidence of my imperfections, please email, message, or call me.

I am by no means perfect.

Sadly though, if you don’t drink every weekend, sleep with every guy you meet, and you become upset at your ‘friend’ for still being close with the first guy who actually destroyed your heart…you must be perfect. It becomes this idea that you never make mistakes and that you must be perfect for not making or joining in on the same mistakes as others. You are marked as perfect for trying to be more than your past and for learning from past faults. You cannot win.

Now, being a bad friend really isn’t as bad as it sounds. Sure, a lot of people leave, and maybe you don’t get the best reputation; but what you do get is so much more. Due to my being a bad friend I have found those who truly care about me and love me. I have found my own self respect and self appreciation for knowing my limits and learning what is best for me and my future goals. And frankly I have learned that I don’t need to put up with people’s shit because I am my own perfectly, imperfect person.

So to the boys and girls who couldn’t handle this bad friend, thank you. You have showed me so much about myself that I wouldn’t have found without you. My strength to stand up for my own ideas and feelings. The beauty in sobriety. And most of all the passion I have for life.

 

Learning to love myself

​From a young age we are taught, directly and indirectly, that we cannot love someone unless we love ourselves first and that having low self worth will make it hard for us to be loved. Well I am here to tell you that this is bullshit. If someone truly loves you, they will help build you up and they will help show you your worth. They are going to love you even if you don’t love yourself in a hope that they can show you how much love you deserve. I can confidently say this because it’s what has happend me. 
Growing up I hated being in my own skin. I had no confidence and my favorite clothing items were ones that were two sizes too big, making sure that no one ever saw my shape or my curves or my fat. I thought if I could “hide” the imperfections people wouldn’t notice them and that maybe I could be liked more or even loved. I guess you could say this all stemed from one boy saying I looked “pregnant” in the second grade and another boy telling me I “wasn’t pretty enough to date” in the fifth grade. Two comments, over 10 years ago, are what turned me into a scared girl who was afraid of never being loved because I was too ‘unsightly’.

I went through horrible depression, self-hatred, and even a stint of never wanting to eat. I thought that I didn’t deserve food because I was overweight and because ‘fat people shouldn’t be given the satisfaction of a full stomach’. Luckily, I learned the absurdity of this before things became out of control.

Along with the outer struggles I felt, I also had mental health problems I wasn’t sure how to deal with. These took form in OCD and anxiety. And with anxiety it took the feelings of fear and paranoia over my outer looks to a whole new level. I didn’t see a point in trying to look good because I was scared of trying to “be pretty” and still being the “fat, ugly” girl.

These feelings went on until I was around 18 and I decided that I could be beautiful the way I was and it was my decision, no one else’s. However this was very short lived because I ended up dating someone whom always believed other girls were “prettier” or “more attractive” and whose favorite hobby was cheating.

So all of the self progress I had made didn’t even matter because everything I already previously believed was being proven. I loved myself and I still wasn’t good enough. So I stopped. I stopped seeing myself as pretty and I stopped believing that I could be loved.

That is until I met him. Yeah I know. That’s so cliché, but it’s true. I met a guy who loved me despite all of my flaws. Despite the fact I have to be reminded that he loves me. And that I need to be told more than most that I’m not a horrendous monster. I found someone who can tell me that I am perfect and with every breath I use to say something negative, he will use to say twice as many positives. He has taught me that I am beautiful, I am worth love, and that I deserve more than I have ever given myself. And because of his love for me, I can confidently say that I now love myself.

So do not say that someone will never be loved because they don’t love themselves. When the right one comes, they will love you and help you grow in ways you may not have been able to before.