It’s been awhile…

Im going to be honest. I started to hate blogging. I recieved a very rude tweet a while ago about my blog and it hurt me. This tweet was from a previous best friend and was then retweeted by another previous best friend. They belittled this blog into nothing. 

However, four months later I now realize I was being dramatic and the views of a few bitter people mean nothing to me. So maybe my blog is poorly written. Maybe my ideas and views are old school. Maybe I actually suck at everything. You know what though, I don’t care. I have a story to tell and I am going to tell it. I have experienced things that no one else has ever experienced. 

And I now realize the only difference between me and the people who crushed me is I post my words in a useless blog, while they post theirs in useless tweets. Everything we say is useless or poorly written to some. But to others, it could be just the connection they were looking for. 

So long story short, I’m back and will probably be posting frequently as I have so many new things to share. 

Thank you for supporting my poorly written blog ❤ 

New Year, Same Me

Every year I make a list of things I’m going to change about myself. I put things like ‘weight loss’, ‘exercise more’, ‘save money’, ‘don’t eat out’, ‘no dark soda'(this is the only one I’ve ever accomplished), and of course ‘be a better person’. But why? Why is it when the clock strikes 12 we have the urge to change our lives and turn into completely different people? On December 31st all we think about are the the things we didn’t accomplish. However, what about the things we did accomplish? 

Sure, I didn’t lose weight, I eat out way too much (taco bell, you’ve got my heart!), I’m ending the year with less money than I started with and being a better person is highly debatable. 

What I did do though is I grew closer to God, made important education decisions that will help me reach my goals, visited Colorado, voted in my first presidential election, found a job I love, got engaged to the love of my life, and filled my life with positivity while expelling the negative people. 

My year wasn’t great, I lost my grandfather and many friends who I thought I’d have forever, but when I look back at the amazing things that have happened to me I can’t help but be greatful. 

So 2017, you’re in God’s hands. I just ask that next year is as productive as this one, all negative space is filled with love and positivity and that as a nation we can come together instead of falling more apart. Amen. 

Happy New Year Everyone! ❤ 

Why I waited 

“Everyone’s doing it”.. that’s what I was always told. Everyone was doing it and hell, even my college roommate was doing it.. right under our bunked beds I may add. It’s not like I didn’t have opportunities or relationships that it could have easily happend with. I even put myself in situations where saying “No” was a tough decision, in full disclosure alcohol was normally involved. However, I waited. 

I did not wait for reasons most people think though. I didn’t wait for religious reasons. I didn’t wait because my parents told me it was the right thing to do. I waited because I wanted to. I wanted to wait until I met the one guy who knew me better than I knew myself. The guy who loved me for my physical and mental imperfections. The guy who no matter what would hold my hand and help me through life’s toughest moments. So I waited, until I met him. 

I didn’t wait until I was married or until I was engaged but I did wait until I was in love and with the person I wanted to spend forever with. 

Now the reason I’m telling you all this is because today it is so common for girls to have sex, not because they are in love, but because they think they should. Their best friend is doing it, TV shows are encouraging it, we have terms like “f*ck buddies” and one night stands are ‘cool’. Sex is no longer special. Sex is just a hobby. We are encouraging girls to embrace their bodies and their sexuality all while ignoring their mental health. We don’t tell them that sex won’t make him love you and we don’t inform them that it’s more than just a physical game. It’s a connection, it’s a feeling, and it’s not something that needs to be given to everyone who smiles at you. 

So embrace yourself. Love yourself. Remember your worth. And do what is right for you not for everyone else. 

Learning to love myself

​From a young age we are taught, directly and indirectly, that we cannot love someone unless we love ourselves first and that having low self worth will make it hard for us to be loved. Well I am here to tell you that this is bullshit. If someone truly loves you, they will help build you up and they will help show you your worth. They are going to love you even if you don’t love yourself in a hope that they can show you how much love you deserve. I can confidently say this because it’s what has happend me. 
Growing up I hated being in my own skin. I had no confidence and my favorite clothing items were ones that were two sizes too big, making sure that no one ever saw my shape or my curves or my fat. I thought if I could “hide” the imperfections people wouldn’t notice them and that maybe I could be liked more or even loved. I guess you could say this all stemed from one boy saying I looked “pregnant” in the second grade and another boy telling me I “wasn’t pretty enough to date” in the fifth grade. Two comments, over 10 years ago, are what turned me into a scared girl who was afraid of never being loved because I was too ‘unsightly’.

I went through horrible depression, self-hatred, and even a stint of never wanting to eat. I thought that I didn’t deserve food because I was overweight and because ‘fat people shouldn’t be given the satisfaction of a full stomach’. Luckily, I learned the absurdity of this before things became out of control.

Along with the outer struggles I felt, I also had mental health problems I wasn’t sure how to deal with. These took form in OCD and anxiety. And with anxiety it took the feelings of fear and paranoia over my outer looks to a whole new level. I didn’t see a point in trying to look good because I was scared of trying to “be pretty” and still being the “fat, ugly” girl.

These feelings went on until I was around 18 and I decided that I could be beautiful the way I was and it was my decision, no one else’s. However this was very short lived because I ended up dating someone whom always believed other girls were “prettier” or “more attractive” and whose favorite hobby was cheating.

So all of the self progress I had made didn’t even matter because everything I already previously believed was being proven. I loved myself and I still wasn’t good enough. So I stopped. I stopped seeing myself as pretty and I stopped believing that I could be loved.

That is until I met him. Yeah I know. That’s so cliché, but it’s true. I met a guy who loved me despite all of my flaws. Despite the fact I have to be reminded that he loves me. And that I need to be told more than most that I’m not a horrendous monster. I found someone who can tell me that I am perfect and with every breath I use to say something negative, he will use to say twice as many positives. He has taught me that I am beautiful, I am worth love, and that I deserve more than I have ever given myself. And because of his love for me, I can confidently say that I now love myself.

So do not say that someone will never be loved because they don’t love themselves. When the right one comes, they will love you and help you grow in ways you may not have been able to before.